Saturday, May 17, 2008

Coming Out


A few days ago, I received an invitation from a former classmate who is planning our high school reunion. But I think she has made a mistake. A hell of a mistake.

It seems Joyce Gail thinks we graduated from high school fifty years ago.

Fifty years ago? People who graduated fifty years ago are old, have grey hair. They speak in glowing terms about their children and grandchildren, talk about the past a lot, gripe about how everyone is in a hurry nowadays. Some wear jeans and tee shirts most of the time; hate to get dressed up, preferring to spend their evenings at home with their spouse, taking long walks, reading books or watching Hallmark movies on TV.

Wait a minute! With the exception of grey hair, I have just described myself. And now that I think of it, I probably have grey hair. I have kept it “lightened” for so many years that I have no way of knowing for sure. And I don’t want to know.

Apparently, I have been in denial. Like an alcoholic, who won’t admit he has a drinking problem Or Raquel Welch, who lies about her age.

Unlike Raquel, I don’t lie about my age, but I don’t shout it from the roof tops, either. There is no need. But now that Joyce Gail has brought it to my attention, I feel compelled to do so. So here goes.

My name is Brenda, and I am 67 years old.

There! I said it. And now that I have cleansed my soul and come out, I can take the first step toward acceptance. It’s happening already. I am slowly coming out of shock, and realizing there are some positive things about being older.

I am starting to reflect, look back on my life. Thinking about the things I got right, things I got wrong. I have had many happy times in my life, and life has knocked me flat a few times. But it has made me a better person, more compassionate and empathic. Less judgmental. And despite many mistakes along the way, I learned from them.

Well, most of them.

I no longer feel the need to weigh 110 pounds, impress anyone, or try to be like everyone else. I have few name-brand clothes now, don’t have to have shoes and purses to match each outfit. Or the hairstyle of the day. No more blowing it dry to make it straight; no more hot rollers burning my scalp. It’s curly, damn it, and I’m just letting it be curly.

I grew up during the Eisenhower years, saw the beginning of rock & roll, Sputnik, and searched the skies for flying saucers. I went to play parties and slumber parties, and I wore blue jeans rolled up to my knees, topped with flannel shirts. I wore sweater sets and fur collars, black felt skirts over crinoline petticoats. And bobbie sox and saddle oxfords. I fell in love with Marlon Brando and Jimmy Dean, and I watched Dick Clark's American Bandstand and The Twilight Zone, The Honeymooners and Father Knows Best on TV.
I was jitterbugging to Elvis, Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis, during the racial conflict in Little Rock. When Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a bus in Alabama, I was hiding and reading The Kinsey Report, and when everyone was building bomb shelters, I was hiding and reading Grace Metalious’ Peyton Place. And dreaming about boys.
As I look back on my high school years, I am reminded of the swift passage of time, the people and events marching on into history. Best friends Karen and Sarah Mae: What are we going to wear tonight? Basketball games: Will so-and-so be there? Play parties: Hope Mother and Daddy don’t find out! My future: Where will it lead?

It has been quite a journey from Carlisle County High School to this point in my life, but I am now happy and content at home, productive in my work. My greatest gifts are my daughter, who tells me today’s sixty is yesterday’s fifty; my grandson Chase, who thought I was 40 years old until I told him I wasn’t. When I was 52. And Bill, an early riser, who keeps Dudley away from the bedroom door so I can sleep late, and tells me I look like a young Debbie Reynolds when I get up in the morning. Even though I look more like Phyllis Diller.

I owe you an apology, Joyce Gail. It has been half a century since we were the first graduates of Carlisle County High down in Bardwell. I have come to terms with it, gone through the acceptance stage. So I’ll be at the reunion on July 18th, and I will enjoy visiting with my old friends and classmates. All of whom are as old as I.

As is Raquel Welch.
So come on out, Raquel! It's not so bad. Really.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A Mother's Love


A Mother’s Love

Because I feel that in the heavens above,
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning terms of love
None so devotional as that of “Mother.”

~Edgar Allen Poe~

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Breyers French Chocolate Ice Cream


Today I received my contributor's copies of Straylight Literary Magazine containing my story, Because of the War, so I ripped open the envelope and immediately snapped this picture.

Much of my fiction is woven with my own experiences, and when I finish a story I experience a total catharsis. On that particular subject, that is.
So now I can empty my head of those memories, and get back to a short story I should have finished long ago.
Or maybe I'll work on my novel.
Or maybe I'll celebrate with a great big bowl of Breyers French Chocolate Ice Cream!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

God Bless You, Nuala O'Faolain


I have been a fan of Nuala O’Faolain since I discovered her memoir, Almost There: The Onward Journey of a Dublin Woman, at the McCracken County Library.

Although I have always loved reading Irish writers, the book didn’t look too interesting. But I stood for a minute, reading the first couple of sentences:

If I had been asked to report on middle age when I was halfway through my fifties, I would have said that it is too bleak to talk about. Much too bleak if you believed, as I passionately did, that your life has been a failure.

With a beginning like that, I knew I had to read the rest of her story, so I checked out the book. And read it all that very night. The next day I went back and checked out Are You Somebody? The Accidental Memoir of a Dublin Woman, and her novel, My Dream of You.
I loved her writing, her way with words, her honesty. And I knew I had to find out more about this strong, tough-minded and funny woman.

O'Faolain was an opinion columnist for The Irish Times, and in 1996 a small Irish publisher brought out a selection of her columns. She offered to write an introduction, and as she looked back over her difficult and lonely life, the dam burst and she just kept writing and writing, suddenly realizing after more than five decades of living, she had not accomplished much. Although she was a successful columnist, all she could feel was regret, and all she could see was what was missing. She had no child, and no other creation. And she didn’t have a partner.

The book of journalism came out quietly, with no launch, no advertising, but after a television interview, it became a bestseller in Ireland. The introduction was reprinted as a book and instantly became a bestseller all over the world, spending many weeks on the New York Times bestseller list.

O’Faolain was born in 1940 in Dublin. Before becoming a columnist, she was a television producer for the BBC, a book reviewer, and a teacher at Morley College. She is the second eldest of nine children, and her father was also a well-known Irish journalist, writing the Dubliners Diary social column for the Dublin Evening Press. She was educated at University College, Dublin, University of Hull, and Oxford University.

O'Faolain was engaged once, but she was never married. In Are You Somebody? she speaks openly about her fifteen-year relationship with journalist Nell McCafferty.

I had heard O'Faolain had written another book, The Story of Chicago May, and as I was looking for it on the Internet, I was shocked and saddened to learn she is dying of cancer. She turned down the option of chemotherapy, which could help prolong her life, and in an April 12, 2008 interview, she spoke with her usual honesty. “I don’t want more time,” she said, “As soon as I heard I was going to die, the goodness went from life.”

My heart goes out to Nuala O’Faolain, one of the most honest and compelling writers I have ever come across. Her writing is brilliant and heartbreaking, unsentimental and funny. When I’m reading one of her books, I never want it to end.

Just as I do not want her life to end.

My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight, Nuala. God bless you.


Friday, May 2, 2008

Mississippi Crow


My copy of Mississippi Crow arrived today. As you can see, it is coffee-table quality, a glossy publication containing 60 pages of poetry, short stories, essays and artwork.
I vividly remember those long summer days as a teenager down on the farm in Carlisle County. I was bored and restless, waiting for something to happen. So I drew from those memories when I wrote my short fictional piece, Truckin' With Paris Hilton. It's a humorous story about a 15-year-old girl living with her grandmother down south, desperate to get away.
As was I.
But I am back where I started, glad to be in Western Kentucky. And proud to have my work among the pages of Mississippi Crow.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Law in Alabama


It was deep summer in the Deep South. World War II was about to come to an end and everyone was optimistic, looking forward to the future. But 10-year-old Billy wasn’t interested in world affairs; he had other things on his mind.

Billy lived with his father and grandmother, Big Momma, in Peterson, Alabama, a small, sleepy town near Tuscaloosa, where he knew everyone and everyone knew him. So he was on his own that summer, exploring the hills and hollows of Alabama, fishing, catching grasshoppers. And picking up kindling, which he loaded on his little red wagon and pulled into town. He sold it for a fraction of what it was worth, hoping to earn enough to go to The Bama in Tuscaloosa on Saturdays to see Gene Autry or Roy Rogers. Sometimes, he had enough for a bag of popcorn.

After the picture show, Billy generally meandered around, seeing what was going on, listening to the latest gossip. And one subject that came up time and again was “The Klan.” The old men in the town square talked about them; his daddy and uncles talked about them. Even his mother and her friends mentioned them from time to time.

“They got after Luther Perkins the other night,” Uncle A. J. told Billy’s daddy one Saturday afternoon. They were leaning against Uncle A. J.’s Nash, sipping moonshine.

“Bout time,” his daddy said, “He’s been beating up on his old lady for years.”

“Well, they warned him before,” Uncle A. J. said, “So he got what he deserved.”

“Yep, the Klan don’t give second chances. After all, they are the law in Alabama.”

Billy was curious. He wanted to know more about the law in Alabama. And a few months later, he found out much more than he wanted to know.

It was a hot, humid night, and his daddy was sitting on the front porch with Big Momma, who was patching socks. Billy had been catching lightening bugs, but he had gotten tired of that. He had just plopped down on the steps, when a line of car lights suddenly rounded the curve, one right behind the other, moving very slowly.

Big Momma leaned forward, huge breasts moving toward her knees. “Wonder what’s going on?”

“Hard telling,” said Billy’s daddy.

Billy counted the big black cars as they crawled past the house. There were eleven.

“They’re turning in at the school house,” his daddy said, craning his neck, “Must be something to do with that colored man that got killed down there.”

Billy glanced at his daddy and Big Momma. They were settling back in their rockers, talking about something else, so he slipped inside the screen door. And then he raced through the living room, kitchen, and on to the back porch.

Outside, he took off down the hollow to the railroad tracks. Crisscrossing through the woods, he could hear the loud chant of the katydids, bull frogs croaking in the nearby swamps. And unknown creatures scuttling through the underbrush.

As he neared the edge of the woods behind the schoolhouse, he could see flickering shadows as the figures got out of their cars and passed in front of the car lights. And he could hear a low murmuring sound.

He pulled the bushes back, swatting at mosquitoes swarming around his face, and then he froze. They were all dressed in white, wearing tall pointed hats, hoods covering their faces. Several were carrying a big cross, and the rest were forming a circle.

The low murmuring started again, reminding him of Sunday morning services at church with Big Momma, just before the Holy Spirit grabbed hold of people, threw them to the floor. Caused them to speak in unknown tongues.

Chills rushed up and down his back as Billy watched them drag the big cross to the center of the schoolyard. All in white, faces hooded, they looked like ghosts.

They stood quietly for a moment, and then one man stepped forward and struck a match. Swoosh! Billy jumped back as the whole school yard lit up. A Klansman walked out of the shadows, leading a young black man. And the look on his face was one of sheer terror.

The Klansman led the man to the burning cross. “Kneel!” he yelled, “And pray!”

The man knelt, placed the palms of his hands together, and bowed his head.

All was quiet for a moment, and then the Klansman motioned to him, “Now, get up!”

The man got up, but as the Klansman started to grab his arm, he jerked away and took off. Billy had never seen anyone run as fast in his life. He was heading toward the woods, directly where Billy was crouching, and before he could move, the man was facing him. He hesitated, his eyes holding Billy’s for a second, and then he was gone.

Billy cringed, waiting for them to come after the man, but they huddled again, the murmuring continuing. Some lit cigarettes. And one looked toward the spot where Billy was hiding. He crouched lower, flinching as something slithered across his bare feet.

Finally, they all got into their cars and slowly drove away.

As soon as they were out of sight, Billy ran through the woods at breakneck speed, dashing into the kitchen just as his daddy and Big Momma were coming through the front door.

“Get them feet washed and go on to bed,” Big Momma said.

In bed, Billy couldn’t quit thinking about the young man. He hoped the Klan wouldn’t hunt him down. They weren't supposed to. The sheriff was supposed to find out who did it, and then they were supposed to have a trial. He had learned that in school. “Everyone is innocent until proven guilty,” Miss Iris had said, “No one can take the law into their own hands.” Afterwards, they had a mock trial, and Billy was on the jury.

“The sheriff got that man that killed that other colored man,” Billy’s daddy told Big Momma a few days later, “He wasn’t from around here.”

Billy was glad. But he couldn’t get the young man’s face out of his mind, the helplessness and fear in his eyes. It reminded him of the day he came upon the neighbor’s dogs, chasing a stray cat. He had grabbed the cat just in time. It was trembling, defenseless.

Billy wished he hadn't gone to the school yard that night, never seen the Klan. But one Sunday night, a few weeks later, he saw them again.

He and Big Momma were in church, and services were almost over. The pastor was preparing to lead the closing prayer when suddenly the church doors burst open and a Klansman appeared. He was carrying a battery-powered cross; it blinked like Christmas tree lights. Behind him were several more, all dressed in white, wearing hoods.

The preacher stopped talking, and everyone watched as they marched down the aisle of the little church. When they got to the pulpit, they stopped, and then the leader marched to the collection place and dropped in a wad of bills. Without saying a word, they marched back down the aisle and out of the church.

The pastor raised his hand. “God bless them for their very generous donation,” he said, "Now let's pray."

As the pastor gave the closing prayer, Billy thought about the young man, scared and helpless. Why should God bless the Klan? They were worse than those dogs, chasing the defenseless cat. And no matter what his daddy had said, they were not the law in Alabama.

* * *
My husband has never forgotten what happened that summer night in Alabama so long ago. And the lesson he learned. (This story is an excerpt from Bill's memoirs, another of my works-in-progress!)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Here's to you, Maw Maw.

Pat and Muriel Underwood Wilson
July 26, 1903


Maw Maw Wilson was there the night I came into this world, and she gave of herself until she went out of this world. On April 6, 1970.

A widow since Paw Paw died in 1943, Maw Maw lived only a mile or two down the road. We saw her just about every day as we grew up. She was with us on birthdays and holidays; she was there to help each time a baby was born, and she was there to help when we were sick. When we all had Chicken Pox at the same time, she took Patsy and me to her house, where she spent sleepless nights bathing the lesions, feeding us soup. And telling us stories.

Maw Maw always read her Bible each night, and one of my first memories is standing beside her worn leather chair, watching her lips move silently as I waited for her to finish. She loved gospel songs, and one of her favorites was How Great Thou Art.

She also loved The Grand Ole Opry. She listened to it on WSM, Nashville, every Saturday night for as long as I could remember. She turned the radio up loud as we listened to Kitty Wells, the Carter family, Hank Williams and Little Jimmy Dickens. One night, when Terry, Patsy, Mary Ellen and I were there, she positioned us around the living room and we all square-danced. She laughed and clapped, swirling around the room like a pro, her feet slipping and sliding to the beat of the music. Just for a moment, that night, I glimpsed the young woman she once was.
Patsy and I often spent Saturday nights with her, and we loved nestling together in the big feather bed, waking to the smells of coffee perking, sausage frying. And oatmeal bubbling on the back of the stove.

We went to Bardwell with her most Saturday afternoons, where she took us to Petrie’s Drug Store on Front Street and bought us ice cream cones, then on to shop at Stockton’s Drygoods Store. When we were older, she dropped us off at Milwain's for the picture show, visiting with her Bardwell friends until it was time to pick us up.

She took us to the fair, the circus, and to Cairo, Mayfield and Paducah on shopping trips. Sometimes she prepared chicken dinners for us to eat on the way. We had our own tailgate party there beside the road, biting into crisp, tender chicken legs, digging into potato salad and coleslaw with real silverware. And guzzling frosty Pepsis, kept cold on ice in a washtub in the trunk.

Maw Maw loved to fish, and she loved fish. "Think I'll catch us a mess of Catfish for supper," she said, "Come on y'all." We ran along behind her as she took off at a fast clip toward her pond behind the house. She always caught a big mess, and she had them cleaned and in the frying pan only minutes later.
She often took us deep into the Mississippi River Bottoms where we spent afternoons picking up large, paper-shell pecans. And one time we weren't the only ones there.
"Who's that over there?" Terry said.
Not far from us was a man who looked as big as the Jolly Green Giant. He had one grass sack full and was quickly filling another.

Maw Maw rush toward him, us following along behind. “You probably don’t know it, but this is my land,” she said, “So maybe you better go ahead on.”

The Jolly Green Giant dropped both grass sacks and ran off down the hollow as quickly as his big chunky legs could carry him.

She took us to Vacation Bible School each year, where she always taught a class. And Sunday School and church. She taught a class there, too.

She rose early, those Sunday mornings, and prepared dinner so it would be ready when we got home. We could smell the pork roast as soon as we hit the front steps, along with slow-cooked green beans with hog jawl and boiled potatoes. There was always coleslaw, hot biscuits. And sliced tomatoes in season. For dessert there was often apple pie, just sweet enough; just tart enough. With crust so tender and flaky that is melted in your mouth.

“How do you make it so good every time?” I said, “It always tastes the same.”

She smiled, “Oh, just sixty years of practice, I guess.”

She visited the sick and helped people who needed it. She was a midwife in her earlier years; in bad weather, when the doctor couldn't get there in time, she delivered the babies on her own. Including her nephew. And, at their requests, she helped dress many ladies of Mississippi Baptist Church and did their hair. For their wakes.

Many Sunday afternoons, Maw Maw told us stories about the past, Patsy and I peppering her with questions:

“Why does Miss Nannie go to sleep every Sunday at church?”

“She can’t help it.”

“Why does Miss Eda start crying and run out of church sometimes?”

“She can’t stand crowds.”

“Why does Mr. Ed look like an owl and wink one eye like an owl all the time?”

“He’s always been that way.”

“What’s wrong with Mose’s neck?” (It was scarred and mottled.)

“That’s just part of his neck.”

Every Christmas Eve Maw Maw arrived around twilight, the trunk of her car loaded down with presents. She wasn't much for fancy wrapping paper; most gifts were still in their brown paper sacks, the top twisted in a knot. Tied with a red or green bow. I’m no good at it either, and each time I struggle with wrapping paper, I think of her.

Christmases were never the same after we lost her. I found myself at the front door, that first Christmas, watching for her Green ’57 Chevrolet. I went out in the yard later that night, looked at the North Star, and sent her a prayer. I have no doubt she heard it.

Not long before she died, Maw Maw gave me a Magic Lily bulb. I didn’t want to be bothered with it, since nothing I planted ever came up. But she insisted. So I took it home to Illinois and planted it. Because I told her I would.
“It’ll never come up,” I told Carroll and six-year-old Suzanne, "Never."

About a month after her death, I opened the back door and there it was, standing straight and tall. In full bloom.

I think of her often. And I'm thinking of her today. It's her birthday.

So here's to you, Maw Maw:



All words and pictures © 2008 Brenda G. Wooley