Thursday, August 26, 2010

Angelina: An Unauthorized Biography

I just finished Andrew Morton's latest book, Angelina: An Unauthorized Biography, a birthday gift from my sister, Mary Ellen.  It was entertaining.  And very shocking.
According to Morton, the award-winning actress has had more lovers than you can shake a stick at, including actors Jeff Goldblum and Timothy Hutten, Rolling Stoner Mick Jagger, and Calvin Klein model, Jenny Shimizu.  
She has taken every drug you can imagine; loves participating in threesomes, and keeps an array of knives, toys and whips to enhance her sexual enjoyment.  
She once hired a hit man.  To kill her.  She is fascinated with blood (often cutting herself) and has tattoos all over her body.  "I love getting tattooed," she says, "The heavy rattle of the needle turns me on."
When she wed British actor Jonny Lee Miller in 1996, she wore a pair of black rubber pants and a white shirt, on which she had written the groom's name in her blood.  They divorced a couple of years later.  (She ate him alive, friends say.) 
After taking a shine to Billy Bob Thornton, she had his name tattooed below her bikini line before they became lovers (talk about self confidence!), and then she took off after him like a hound dog chasing a coon, suffering a nervous breakdown in the process. 
After recovering, she swooped in and snapped up Sling Blade before he knew what hit him.  Although he was engaged to actress Laura Dern and planned to have children with her, he left with Jolie and never looked back.  (Leaving Dern a howling, devastated mess, friends say.)

The couple got married in 2000 and were soon wearing vials of each other's blood around their necks and bragging about their wild sexual shenanigans.

"Sex for us is almost too much," Billy Bob said, "I almost got killed last night.  You know when you love someone so much you can almost kill them?  Well, I was looking at her sleep and I had to restrain myself from literally squeezing her to death!"  (Sounds like her craziness rubbed off on Billy Bob!) 

When Jolie set her sights on Brad Pitt (while co-starring with him in Mr. and Mrs. Smith), the boyish Missouri-born actor dropped wife Jennifer Aniston like a hot potato and followed Jolie all over the globe.  Jennifer had been trying to convince Brad to start a family, but he refused. However, as soon as he and Jolie got together, they adopted two more orphans (she already had one) and had three biological children. (What a betrayal!)

Although her father, Jon Voight, tried to be a positive influence in her life, Jolie blames him for all of her problems.  But she thought her mother, Marcheline Bertrand, hung the moon. 

According to the book, most of her problems were caused by her mother.  The couple split up when Jolie was only a few months old; after that, Marcheline couldn't stand to look at her.  ("Because she looks so much like him!" she said.) 

So how did Marcheline deal with the situation?  She installed the baby and her nanny in an apartment two floors above the apartment in which she lived with her other child, three-year-old James.  Jolie and her nanny lived there for about two years, Marcheline popping in to visit about once a week.  (Can you imagine?)

Despite all of the above, Jolie has still managed to become a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations and the "most powerful celebrity in the world." 

If you like books about celebrities, this one will knock your socks off.
All words and pictures © 2008 Brenda G. Wooley